Conan Fails Again
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Conan is out of jail and living in the real world. But how will he cope with being Conan the Librarian instead of Conan the Barbarian? Contains: poop, mentions of flashing and Arnold Schwarzenegger yelling.


Conan the barbarian was not happy to find himself in modern times. It seemed that stealing from people and taking whatever you wanted with a sword only got you a jail cell. He had only just finished his last sentence for demanding that rotisserie server serve him a chicken, eat it with him and then sleep with him. He also got angry because he didn't understand why they didn't serve beer. When he was released they said he had learning difficulties which caused anger issues and he was given a quiet easy job in a public library. It was already not going well. He had already been told off for coming to work in a Scottish kilt suit instead of a trouser one (he liked it all to hang loose and a kilt suit was the smartest thing he could find that wasn't a woman's skirt. ) he had been put on the desk stamping books and giving out flyers for events there.

Can I get this book out please?" Asked a girl in a pink sweater who looked like a Kardashian. "No, dis is de wrong desk laydee! Go over there!" He whispered so loud that it echoed off the walls. The girl jumped in fright. " There's nobody there sir. You do it." "That isn't my job.!" He said. "But you're a librarian." She said cleverly. Conan picked up the stamp and slammed it down on the book in front of him. "NO! I am not" the girl looked scared and backed away towards the door. Conan smiled and sat back down.

"Can you please help me find some books?" Asked a geeky black kid with huge spectacles. Conan panicked as he had been told he was just supposed to sit and the desk and not do anything. But the librarian was on an errand and he didn't know when she would be back. The kid pushed a list across the desk to him. Conan could barely read it (they had taught him some written English in prison but he wasn't very good at it. "Um... okay..." he said and led him over to the wrong bookcase. He climbed up the forbidden ladder (he was not supposed to do this as he never wore pants and so everyone could see up his kilt.) "Here you go!" He yelled and dropped a random book on top of the kid. The kid cried out as he went down under a pile of the things. "I'll get you the others" said Conan and he climbed onto the bookcase and walked along to the next and the next then grabbed another book which he also threw down at the guy. "Look out. Bleargh!" And he lept down onto the floor. His muscular weight cracked the floor boards and he pulled his leg out of the hole. "Urgh!" He said. He grabbed the kid by the scruff and pulled his up as books fell from him. "Der you go. Now go and do the learning." The kid looked stunned through cracked spectacles and watched him return to his desk.

On his way there, he spotted a flash of silver as an old woman was opening her letter. "NO KNIVES IN THE LIBRARY!" He yelled and football tackled her off her chair. She screamed as her hairnet flew across the room and Conan grabbed the letter opener and raised it in the air. "Dis is mine now! Don't do that again!" He yelled and left her on the floor as he went back to his desk.

He sat stamping more books when he heard a cell phone ring. He let out a warrior roar, dropping the stamp as he beat his chest, then picked it back up and slammed it into the book in anger. He looked down and saw that he had picked up the letter opener by mistake and stabbed the book with it so it was pinned to the desk. He ignored it and marched over to the group of college students. "Give me de noise box!" He yelled. They laughed at him and carried on sending messages. The cell phones beeped again. "Do it! Do it now!" They ignored him. He grunted and picked up one guy and threw him across the room into a bookcase. "Laydee, give it to me!" She slid it across the table in fear. He crushed it with a fist and walked away.

Conan was about to get even angrier. He found two bums rolling joints in a corner. "What are you doing? You want to relax, do some exercise!" He swiped the marajuana away from them and threw them onto the floor. "Get down! And do some pushups! Exercise is good! " He slapped there shoulders. Which was too hard and they grunted. "Does it hurt? Good! No pain, no strong relaxed men! :Look at me I exercise all the time! I'm calmer than you!" He yelled red in the face. He watched them struggle to do press ups. This wasn't going to happen for several reasons:

1\. They were weak from constant drug use.

2\. They were hobos and had not eaten for weeks so where weak.

3\. They were constipated and if you have ever noticed when you don't eat much you can't poop because there needs to be a constant stream of food to push it all through and when there isn't the poop just sits there going hard.

4\. They were stoned.

In the end Conan hit them both across the face to motivate them and the shock caused their constipation to change to diarrhea and it sprayed out of their asses onto the bookcase behind them along with drug juice that had been going rancid in their colons. "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE! YOU MAKE THIS DIFFICULT FOR E! YOU ARE NOISY AND BREAK RULES! BLEARGH!" He ripped a cookie from a kids hand who had been covertly tying to eat it behind a book. "NO FOOD IN DE LIBRARY!" "WHAT IS GOING ON CONAN?" Snapped a voice behind him. As he turned around to look at her he slipped and fell in the shit coating himself in it as the kilt slid up and he mooned at the librarian. "IT WASN'T ME! THEY CAN'T KEEP TO DE RULES LAYDEE! " The police came and dragged him away while he yelled "I'LL BE BACK!" He was charged with the following:

1\. Vandalism of a library

2\. Abusing many people

3\. Exposing himself to kids

4\. Exposing himself to the librarian

5\. Stealing two cell phones a letter opener and a cookie.

The end.


End file.
